Writings of a nonconformist

Dive

2005-04-07T01:53:00.000-07:00

Last one for today. See ya next time. (All 3 of you, haha.)

It's a turning point
But can I come out on top?
Sucess has inflated my ego
I cling to what I have
With what I know
And that which I dream
Swaying clumsily in the air
I can't afford to second guess
I can't afford to mistep
It's all I can do
It's worth a shot
I close my eyes and dive

One for the winners

2005-04-07T01:46:00.000-07:00

I tried something different here, i usually prefer prose insteading of rhyming poetry but oh well.

Her eyes, luminesque as she stares at me
There must be something she's sees in me that I can't see
She's tomorrow's dreamer, a crafty schemer
A woman not afraid to take a chance
She doesn't care about my darker side
Or all the times I've given up before I tried
I can't escape this time
Her skin is leathery like a snake
Her comfort is poison I can't take
I gave in
They always win

Necromancy

2005-04-07T01:41:00.000-07:00

A candle lights the dark path
The graveyard, so silent
I've been searching for hours
For something I know I won't find
Each grave's epitaph is a memory
Of those I buried away
I'm trying to ressurect it
Before the decay sets in
The candle goes out
It's hopeless
Let the past be
No more necromancy

Futility

2005-02-14T17:04:00.000-08:00

I've just realized i've written some terrible stuff over the years. The stuff i've felt is good, or at least decent, i've posted it on here. Here is the last one i believe is decent. I need to start writing some good stuff, haha. Till next time.

Too many frivoulous things make up our lives.
They all want something of yours and
You cannot escape the need to take from others
What I have is mine, take it from me if you dare.
They'll try and bleed me dry
I'll fight, but there's too many of them
Why can't I fight to keep what I have earned?
An exercise in futility,
They'll overcome and drag you down.
All the glamorous bigwigs look down their hole at us, point and laugh.

Believe

2005-02-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

Forgive me, I am weak
Forgive my inconsistencies
They make me who i am.
Running circles in the catacombs
Death surrounding, smell of decay.
I can't get out of here to give you a chance
The tears want to come down but
I'm hardened, and I can't force it
Pouring my alibi's into your ear,
Isn't that what you wanted to hear?
Be quiet, nothing can help this
Don't condescend me child
I know how to walk the straight line
It's fizzling out, slowly ending
Behind, the sounds of a thousand wars
From thousands of cultures
Ignore them, escape while you can
Run from your agony of trying to cope
My final wish is to let you know
I didn't try, I wouldn't
Wait for an angel who believes.

Forward

2005-02-14T16:47:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile, huh? Well, i post fairly regularly on LiveJournal and you can catch daily BS there, but i'm gonna keep this page so i can keep posting my writings. Here we go.

I thought of her eyes, and the way they used to capture me
In her glance, my eyes couldn't look back.
I looked to the sky, my feet, the traffic,
But I couldn't bear to look at her.
Within a blink her eyes were gone, fixated on another.
Now my eyes always stare forward.

Random Thoughts 1/6/05

2005-01-06T10:45:00.000-08:00

Heh... these days are short enough, but to spend the time i do have in pain is enough to drive me mad. I'm not used to headaches and having at least one a day for the last 3 weeks has been total hell. I've become an Advil junkie, taking up to 4 a day to try and supress the pain. Most of the time it works, but when it doesn't...aw, man. Sitting in bed rocking back and forth trying in vain to beat it away with my fist. Bad idea...smacking my head makes it hurt even worse. Otherwise...it's not so bad.

I'm so lazy...my little book of writings in 30 feet away in my room, but i don't feel like going to it to copy down a few to here. Pretty bad, eh? I also need to upload some happy photos of myself to another account, but i need to Photoshop 'em first and this computer i'm on doesn't have Photoshop. Don't feel like copying it right now anyway. Sad.

Mindless BS aside...

I made a CD yesterday! Woot, that was the highlight of my day. Here's some of the stuff i put on it:
VAST- 'Free'
Velvet Revolver- 2 songs
Tom Petty- 2 songs
The Music- 'Breakin'
Mooney Suzuki- 'Alive and Amplified' (this song is horrible, by the way. i just think it's funny)
Strata-'Piece by piece'
Soilwork-'Distortion Sleep'
Motley Crue- 'If I Die Tommorow' (the new song. it's not bad, but it's not good)
Hopesfall- 'Icarus' (the new CD is absolutely TERRIBLE. i can't listen to a single song)
Cheap Trick- 'Surrender'
Bad Company-'Silver Blue and Gold' (one of the best songs ever made)

There were a few more. That "The Music" song is so damn hip. I usually hate shit like this, but for some reason it just makes me wanna dance, and don't dance. At all. Like, not even if Rachel Leigh Cooke asked me to. Great, now i've got pictures of myself dancing in my head...and it's quite scary

Also, VAST rules...i can't believe i totally forgot about him for like 3 years. His best songs are "Free", "Gates of Rock and Roll", and "Pretty When You Cry". Rockin good times.

I don't have much to say. Graduating in March from ITT, which is good...maybe i can get this life underway after then. Maybe going to Pittsburgh? I'm not sure yet...won't be sure another few months. My degree in Multimedia was hard earned, but i don't know if a 2 year's degree equals a job. I can only hope, though...since everyone needs a Graphics guy anymore. Newspapers, TV stations, firms, movie companies, ect ect.

Well, this entry has been anything BUT objective. Rambling comes to mind. But, next time i'll have some good stuff straight from my little red book i like to write in. Promise.

Now excuse me while i take some more Advil.

Welcoming your Executor

2004-12-06T05:57:00.000-08:00

I'm going to deviate from my norm of posting some of the stuff i've written today. I've still got tons more material, and it'll be up when i feel...not lazy. Anyway, alot has been on my mind as of late. I'm going to address some it below.

The youth of America are being tricked. You are probably being tricked too. It's the music, man. If i hear one more band that tries so desperately to sound like The Clash, i'm gonna lose it.

I was just flipping through the channels this morning and i see this band Franz Ferdinand on my TV. Normally i would have just kept going and made fun of them later to my friends but i didn't today. I stopped. I examined the entire video and the song as best as i could. No really, i tried. My conclusion when the video was over was that i had no freaking clue what the song was trying to accomplish. The music was TOTAL rehash of the Clash (it's so bad it's on par with with rappers sampling tracks from anyone and everyone...total theivery) and lyrics had no meaning behind them. Well, i suppose if you're one of those tragic artists who find a secret meaning to boiling water...you'd find something in there. Otherwise, you just tap along and pretend you're cool, cause that's what all these wannabe rock stars are jamming to nowadays. Rock on, junior!

Rock music in general has gone to hell. If you're in a band these days making original music you need to fit into one of these 4 groups: (1)radio-friendly souless rock, (2)"I hate my life/girlfriend/parents" bubblegum alternative, (3)"Hey can we steal your music and ideas? Thanks." retro rock, or (4)"I'll just scream until i'm blue and you go as fast as you can on guitar, ok? Ready go!" heavy metal. Depending on how you are feeling at the time and your age, you WILL listen to one of those four categories if you are into rock. Don't deny it, they've programmed it into you.

If you listen to the radio rock, you just go with the flow of culture and let other people decide what you should listen to completely. I'll admit some of it is quite catchy but that's just what it's supposed to be. Catchy. So they can play it on the radio or MTV 10 times a day and you still crave it.
"Hey man did you get the new Hoobastank?"
"Psh, yeah man. 'The Reason' man! 'The Reason'! Best song of the year!"
"For real...i saw the video 4 times today. It totally made me think of Jessica cause she loves the song."
"Rock on!"

Bubblegum rock is a category that in reality shouldn't exist. Rock so simple that even a 10 year old can listen and identify. Songs with such simple, repeating lyrics such as "Do you ever wish you'd just die?" or "I'm so lonely here" frequent many of the bubblegum alternative songs. These songs sound like they are written for a preteen but then you look at who is writing and making them and...they're in their 20s at least! I mean, you've got a record deal, grow up! You can't be mad at your father forever, Simple Plan. This category is a much worse off type of radio rock, because radio rock can at least be catchy. This category however is just plain annoying. It takes an army of 12 year olds to raid the computers at 3 o'clock and vote for the "I hate my life" song of the week so they can play it on TV. I actually saw this written on one of Fuse's shows, Dedicate Live, where fans write in and say things about the songs that are playing:
"Dad i hate u. U think u can tell me what to do w/ my life but u can't. ill date him if i want and there's nothing u can do!!!!!!!"
Sad. Why waste your time talking to a a computer that won't give you an answer when your father is 20 steps away. Why not just talk to him? Teenage pride i guess. But it's an infection. Week after week it's the same thing, but just with different songs. Those songs are today's bubblegum rock. A bitter reality that won't go away until you make it go away.

Ah, retro rock. There's not much to say about this genre that Lars Ulrich has already said about Napster. It's just the new, hip thing. Except it's not new...or hip. It's stealing. Franz Ferdinand, Jet, The Hives, Modest Mouse...i'm looking at you. Imitation may be the best form of flattery, but you are not imitating 70s and 80s bands. You change a riff here and there, rewrite a few lyrics to get appeal from today's audience and there you have it...today's rock of choice! Except...it's already been done.

I guess this last category is one that annoys me the most. There is so much potential in many of today's "Headbanger's Ball" bands. I mean, most of these bands can play incredibly fast and make amazing transistions, but in the end, it's worthless music. There's no real point to many of the songs because 99% of the time the "vocalist" is screaming or growling as muc has he can. I personally have no problem with music that has screaming in it, but it needs to be toned down alot. Either that or it's curses of everlasting hatred for society or an ex-girlfriend. Either way, today's metal isn't original at all. It's a bunch a bands who see who can make the better riffs and who can make the most aggressive sounding song. Those who listen to this type of music are a bunch of elitists anyway. They get on the internet and bitch and moan to anyone they can about how Band A blows goats while Band B is the best thing since Cool Whip. Then you listen to Bands A and B...and they sound alot alike. Maybe one vocalist sings more than screams, but if that's the case, then it is shunned and considered soft. Metal elitists are probably the most nonsensical people ever.

Welcome your executor rock music...stereotypes. Pick one...doesn't matter which. Watch fans clutter to you and then leave. Nothing is sacred any more.

I wanted to talk about some other forms of music such as Pop and Rap, but i've leave that for another day. Adios.

The Desert

2004-11-12T07:06:00.000-08:00

Last one today. I still have tons of older and newer stuff i could put up. I just don't feel like typing it all out. Oh well. Till next time

Traveling alone in a barren desert
A man slowly weakens as the elements
Beat down on him
He's crawling now, barely moving at all
To his left, a dried up old tree
There's crows on the right side of the tree,
And vultures on the left
Both groups are just sitting there, waiting
For a possible lost soul to try
And tackle the endless desert
They spy the man
The vultures exchange glances with each other
They are chomping at the bit
The crows are just sitting there,
Slowly analyzing the man's situation
Suddenly, tragedy!
The man stops moving finally
Exhaustion has won again
Now, the race is on!
It doesn't matter which of the birds
Gets to the prize first
Just as long as nothing remains
When the feast has concluded
They've absorbed the man,
He's notohing now
They've even picked out his mind
And devoured it
Oh well, he didn't need it anyway
It's just another day here
In the desert of politics
There are no survivors in this land
So you'd better just steer clear.

Fiends

2004-11-12T06:59:00.000-08:00

A conflict of interests
And i'm at my wits end
A wolf in sheep's clothing
You came into my space
And spoke spoke of hardship
I, having similar troubles, was intrigued
After a while,
Your guise started falling apart
And i started seeing you
For what you really are
You couldn't cover it up, though you tried
Then i realized
We weren't so similiar after all
You invaded my life and now you must pay
You've led me astray from my own thought
And try to implant your own
Silly doppelganger, i won't fall for it
Friends are just fiends who get bored

Secretion

2004-11-12T06:52:00.000-08:00

I feel life slowly exiting me
Day by day, I feel my grasp weakening,
And maybe one day I won't be able
To hang on anymore
It's like mental sweat
When's there's so much tension on me,
I secrete life;
Life is my sweat
I don't know what i can do to get it back either
Nothing can stop this
I will continue to weaken until
I am a dried up broken figure
Of what i could be
Shriveled
Weak
Nothing

The Maze

2004-11-12T06:49:00.000-08:00

Did you know that you are my last chance?
I barely know you, but from what i do
If i can have you i am lost
I will forever be trapped
In a maze of mirrors
Staring at myself everyday,
Wondering why it had to come to this
Could you be my map, my light, my compass?
Lead me away from myself

Alone

2004-11-12T06:41:00.000-08:00

I haven't post in awhile. Me so lazy.

The sun sets on my soul
It was about to be eclipsed by my inner child
When the world fades to black
My eyes glued shut
I can't see anyone or anything
My intentions aren't important
Lost in my being
That day stood out like an oasis in a desert
I shift out from reality
It's quiet here, it's calm
No outside influences
Telling me how to live my life
I remember now
Why i am alone
The stars shine brightest for me here
The planets align
Universal harmony...just for me
They all try to coax me out of myself
Weakness allows it sometimes
But i'm working on that.

Awake - Journal Entry 40

2004-10-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

I think every television in the US needs to be exposed to this following post.

By the way, sorry I cuss so much, but i find it useful in this kind of writing

Awake...I think
Am I awake?
I can sense and see but something's wrong here
I sit here, listen to music and try to capture my thoughts
However I can't seem to capture one worth keeping
Music is such a beautiful gift
Sometimes I take it for granted...
But then I turn on MTV and start to feel numb
You can make fun of my music preferences all you want
But hey, lets check out the MTV lineup here
Nine out of ten idiots nowadays agree that MTV is what's hip
It's got that show where people request the same videos
Day after day in a Top 10 format
Then they show barely any of the videos
And preempt them for interviews with whoever is cool at the moment
What about that show where 6 "strangers" live together
And cause they're all ignorant and young
They'll get into loads of trouble and steamy sex
Sure feed a bunch of horny teenagers and hour of sex
And they'll come back for another meal
What about the show where that asshole humiliates celebrities
For the sake of making himself laugh
I say himself, because i'm never laughing
If I was a celebrity and tough guy there did that shit to me
I'd bludgen him over the head multiple times
How the hell do people get away with publicly humiliating others on TV?
Ah, there's those dating shows too that favor those
Who like to party, those who like rap, and are atheltic.
Like the one where someone visits three memebers of the opposite sex's rooms,
Makes fun of them, and then chooses one of the owners of the room for a date
So classy...I know a kickin' room is the first thing I look for in a girl
Nah she could be a 300 lb bi-polar transvestite
But as long as she's got a cool room, that's enough for me.
Now here's where the favortism i was talking about fits in with this show
If you don't meet a certain stereotype, the show itself makes fun of you!
The one I saw today was subtitled "Beauty and the Freaks"
Freaks? I'm not the slightest bit gay at all,
But these guys were 3 AVERAGE looking guys
Not studly, or muscular...but not terrible either
Of course the female was quite attractive, hence the beauty
But, come on now, freaks?
Just imagine the self-esteem booster MTV gave those poor guys
OK, maybe they were a little geeky, but they were normal for the most part
You know, the only freaks are those running MTV
They've used their image as a "music channel" to corrupt our young adults
And they've turned their music channel into a drama network
Eventually we'll all be one big happy entity if MTV has anything to say about it
"This is the stereotype for you. You must adapt, or get left in the dust"
I just sit and watch it and it just feels like I'm being brainwashed
I'm losing conciousness, I may fall asleep
When I wake up, I'll be a party of it
Another nail in the coffin of true free thought
I must stay awake

Ants

2004-10-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

This was meant to have a positive message, but i cut the ending out, so it looks very depressing. Oh well. It basically means "live for something"

I look at pictures and a thousand memories come back to me
They've all left my life and maybe this mortal coil
The pictures and memories fade with time
But new pictures will be taken and stored
They will eventually leave me as well, however
There is no memory that is not forgotton with time
No matter how much we want to remember
Friends and loves become just wasted
Temporary meaningless emotions and banter
Nothing and no one gets out of this world alive
I wish to have a true relief, a true belief
After all, when you break it down
We all live for temporary amusement
That hit of that ciggarette
That DVD
That girlfriend
That house
They all eventually will disapear from your life
Taken away one way or another
When your life has reached its end
What have you accomplished?
We are all ants, running in circles
Waiting for someone to step on us

Journal Entry 31

2004-10-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I'll just post bits from my journal such as this.

Beat that dead horse you say?
I wonder who was the first person to write down their thoughts, fears, and faults?
We emmulate who we like, as I see to write like Henry Rollins
But who did he use? And the person before him?
Whoever is the innovator, they are a true genius
To have the courage to admit imperfections, it's almost an art
I'm not talking about writing random, general stuff about yourself
That's a damn diary
This has more to do with trying to explain what makes us tick
And consequently, what makes us go off.
The innerworkings of our fragile psyche
We're all walking time bombs, really
No sugarcoated bullshit will get you through life unscathed
Those who admit this and chronicle it are truly artists

One for the Losers

2004-10-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

Haha, this one's kinda mean, sorry.

Sorry, you
You floated in and I slapped you away
I can think of nothing that justifies my actions except
You weren't "the one"
Callous, yes, but honest
You said you always liked that about me
Or did you just like that fact that I told you I was?
MINDFUCK!
I win, bitch
I keep my pride and everything
But you lost something that day
Maybe it was respect for the opposite sex
Maybe it was love for the world
Maybe it was the will to live
Oh well, some people have to lose.

Wishing Upon A Tattered Dream

2004-10-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

This is actually lyrics. I used to write lyrics for songs i'd play out in my head all the time. Now, I've gone away from that kind of stuff. Still, here are the lyrics for one such song.

After all this time, all my thoughts return to you
Even though you've moved on for good,

I still wish upon a tattered dream
That there was still a chance for us
That's why my visions are dark,
That's why heart is dark,
The outcome is so bleak

I can't look at anyone else
Fuck my heart, you've broken my soul
And everything inside
Even though your love is given to him

I still wish upon a tattered dream
That there was still a chance for us
Pathetic, I can't move on
I can't love anymore

I smile when they look at me
But most of it is fake
I cannot go back to our days
It's a dream from which I cannot wake

After all this time, I still wish upon our tattered dream..

No Comprimise

2004-10-06T06:24:00.000-07:00

This time I won't comprimise
Be mine or be gone
I've built too much hate from previous experiances
I can't take anymore of that shit
It's all on you
Salvation or destruction?
Your eyes say one thing, then your mouth says another
Which will it be, temptress?
Inconsistant is your interest,
Don't fuck with my head

Imprint

2004-10-06T06:11:00.000-07:00

She stared at me, expecting me to say something
What was I to say that hadn't already been said?
We sat in silence waiting for the other break down first
I had nothing to say to her
It seemed she wanted so much for me to open up
He eyes, fixated on me,
Hoping, waiting
I said, for what seemed to be the 10th time,
"I don't know what you want to say to you"
She continued her stare and her silence
Frustrated, I tried to get up
But when she saw me move she blinked
I guess demonstrating for me she was still alive
I gave up and tried to think of something to say
Shortly after she shut her eyes, gave a chuckle and said
"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to capture your image in my mind forever
So when you leave I can look at the image and smile
I want your imprint and never end"
I sat dumbfounded for a minute then got up and left

Fade

2004-10-06T06:06:00.000-07:00

Your smile says to me what words cannot
At this moment I don't think I can love anyone else ever
You then say "goodbye, good luck" and turn and walk away
As your visage goes further into the distance,
The image of your smile begins to fade from my mind
Then, abruptly, it disapears completely
My heart explodes

Try

2004-10-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

I thought about escaping reality completely
There is nothing for me in that place
But one cannot escape reality no matter how hard you try
This world around you engulfs you until the day you die
This prison break...useless...
This self-annexation cannot be acheived
But still I will try

First Post

2004-10-06T05:52:00.000-07:00

Just a welcome. This is where i post some of the writings i have done over the years. I welcome comments and critiquing. These writings all of my own work, please do not use them unless you get an OK from me (email razacross@yahoo.com)

Also if you are on Myspace, i'm there too: http://profiles.myspace.com/users/4642151

Please enjoy, and leave me feedback if you enjoy my work. Thanks.